Trigger Warnings: Past abuse and trauma

Nyx was hunting for mushrooms. From Halsin's descriptions of the Shadowlands, it might be good to stock up. It gave her the opportunity to work out a few things with herself.

She had made sure that Astarion was alright after the, altercation with Vainglorious Jarrus. He chuckled confessing that he simply wasn't used to being on the receiving end of angry righteous aberrations with no way to defend himself. She was relieved and made sure to clarify that it wasn't her intent to place anyone in harms' way, quite the opposite in fact. He grinned at her, simply replying with a quick kiss and a knowing smirk of leaving her wanting. A very welcome kiss, nonetheless.

Those kisses.

A quiet fire had settled itself in her being. Ever since this morning. She had to practice immense self-restraint not to look at him all the time, especially with the long winding road into the Underdark and nothing else to do. Thinking of all the ways she'd like to kiss him, touch him.

And now I'm blushing again, Nyx sighed at her traitorous body's innate reactions, and she rubbed her hand over her face.

Bloody Astarion.

Her thoughts returned to Vainglorious Jarrus.

She doesn't know what to make of it. One part of her was disinclined, and the other part feels... validated(?) by the axiom he had put to her.

"The vanguard of the betwixt must learn to find peace and contentment within war and strife. War against both the light and the dark. One would endeavour to destroy thee; the other would seek consume thee. Thy exists to oppose both, and to embody both."

She scrunched her nose at the mushroom in her hand turning the conundrum over in her mind. She studied how the glow faded from the mushroom; a thing that grows in darkness yet producing light of its own. The Underdark had a reputation for harbouring the unexpected.

The Underdark was a fragmented collection of underground caverns, and you’d never know whether you'd find a desolate wasteland or a lush ecosystem. Fortunately, they had stumbled into one of the patches that teemed with animal and plant life. Nyx grinned when she recalled 'offering' assistance to Astarion and his hunt. He laughed and informed her that he was more than capable, and delighted, to explore the culinary tastes of the Underdark creatures by himself.

'A smorgasbord', he called it, and she snorted imagining him frolicking through the Underdark sampling the myriads of 'delights'. Although, he'd probably be indignant at the 'frolic' part. She snickered to herself.

---

Scratch's muffled barks reached her ears. She was amazed that he was able to keep up with their group's roaming. He has kept himself safe and out of trouble. The barking became louder, and Nyx called out, "Hey boy, what say you?"

He came into view, barking at her from the other side of the clearing. His body language was demanding and the barking incessant. Nyx stopped and approached him. He tore off and she followed jogging. He led her to a tunnel between in a tall mound of mushrooms, a tunnel several times her own length. He waited expectantly and then crawled through as she neared. She bent over and peered into the gloomy tunnel filled with vegetation, she could barely make out his white face at the end.

She frowned, "What is it boy?", and he replied with more urgency. She crouched and shimmied into the tunnel, "Alright, alright I'm coming." The tunnel was crushed, and uncomfortable, slimy things smeared along her neck and face while she crawled through the squishy muck. Scratch's ceaseless barking was becoming increasingly alarming to her. She made it to her feet, and he ran off again, she sprinted after.

He was zigzagging through the terrain, which was almost reminiscent of a tropical rainforest, but with mushrooms and strange plants instead. Nyx was trying to keep track of where they were going. She surely hoped he intended on escorting her back to camp after leading her to whatever destination he had in mind. Nyx heard muffled shouting and baying, her blood ran cold, followed by the tell-tale whiff of something metallic and sickly sweet.

Ironvine? The Gur - Astarion!

She wrapped her limbs with magic and Scratch picked up speed into full gallop to match her gait while leading her. They rushed towards the sounds and smells.

The mushroom canopy thinned, and Scratch veered off once Nyx could make out the silhouettes of fighting ahead. One's movements she recognized as Astarion, daggers reflecting the coloured lights of the surrounding crystals, Thank the graces he had the sense to venture out with his gear on.

He was fending off humanoids and animals, the Gur seemed to have brought assistance.

Abyss take them!

One of the attackers fell, another left standing along with what looks to be a giant badger.

Nyx retrieved her hunting knife, her target in sight. She did not slow down, instead used her momentum to launch herself onto the back of the giant badger. She dug her reinforced knife into its ear, fisting her hands into its fur. It reared and shook itself, jaws snapping wildly in the air at the unseen attacker. She lost her grip and was thrown aside. She bounded back onto her feet and met the piercing gaze of a giant dire badger, scales jutting out of its fur in various places.

By the Abyss! Since when do Gur train such animals?

Nyx unsheathed her throwing knives with one hand, stowing her hunting knife with the other. She took a cautionary glance at Astarion, who was bleeding, but still in the fight. Snarling viscously at the Gur and his companion (who didn't look to be Gur at all).

Nyx and the badger were circling each other, each looking for an opening. Nyx flung her knives at the creature's snout, it swatted the knives form the air, exposing its unprotected face - into which Nyx sent her other knives. One dug into its other ear, another in its eye and the last skimmed off its loose fur around its neck. But the animal was already at a severe handicap after her initial strike, now bleeding from several sensory organs. Its movements became increasingly slow and clumsy with every successive round of mock attacks and counter strikes from Nyx. The dire badger collapsed, its face a blood-carved mess.

Nyx swerved to find Astarion facing the Gur alone, she threw her knives into the Gur's back. Astarion lashed out with his uninjured arm and drove his knife vertically upwards into the Gur's head from under his chin. Astarion held the gurgling man in place loathingly watching the light leave his eyes. He ripped his knife from the man, slashed his neck open in a spray of blood and the body crumpled to the floor.

Nyx let out the breath she didn't even realize she held. Astarion glowered at the Gur's dead body while Nyx approached him. He was cradling his arm into his chest and Nyx reached out to it, "Astarion are you al-"

"Don't touch me!", he startled as though he'd only then registered her presence and he recoiled from her taking several steps back. Nyx held her hands up at her sides and gauged his bewildered expression. His pupils blown and his lip curled in a snarl.

Damn it Nyx! I should know better after the manticores.

Nyx stood still regarding him silently. She lowered her hands and said evenly, "I'm sorry, I merely wanted to help with your arm."

He blinked at her, and his expression faltered. He took in his surrounding and looked back at her sheepishly, "I apologize, my dear. You just caught me off guard that's all."

His reactions reminded her of her own panic episodes, His past haunted him equally. Likely more so, but in a different way.

She stated, "I'll be more considerate of that and make sure you are aware of what I'm doing."

He took a breath to speak but was cut off by a sudden movement and raspy gurgling sounds from one of the bodies.

They both drew their weapons again, eyes locked on the stuttering corpse of the undead dog Astarion had killed prior to her arrival. It rose its head with wet snapping noises and a strange glow emanated from its eyes. It seemed to survey its whereabouts, its sloughing skin pulling back from its face exposing rotten flesh beneath.

"Bollocks!", it swore, its dislocated jaw flapping loosely from its skull.

Nyx frowned, sharing a glance of confused alarm with Astarion, both of them ready to put the creature out of its misery for a second time.

It jerked its head around and addressed them, "Daffodil over there is no great loss, but did you have to kill Sweetpea? He was such a good boy. Oh, how he returned his owners' love with such savagery."

Astarion leaned forward snarling, "Who are you?"

The voice cackled and she replied, "Ah dearie, you don't recognize sweet ol' Auntie Ethel?"

Astarion was taken aback, gaping at the reanimated dog.

Nyx put it together, "The hag from the swamps I take it? The Gur met your price after all."

"Oh, clever little girl", the dog turned to her, "The useless buffoon was supposed to capture the vampire spawn. His death is of no big consequence, but he cost me more than his worth."

Astarion recovered and spat at the corpse, "I'll find you and gut you the same."

She cackled again and said with maleficent glee, "Oh, such youthful spunk!", the dog pointedly looked him up and down, "And such a pretty little spawn, if I weren't so interested in trading you in to your master I'd have kept you for myself."

"What!?", Astarion blurted.

She taunted him again, "Why do you think I sent some of my lovelies to help the eejit? I only agreed to help catch you, I didn't agree to him delivering you."

Nyx made a disgusted noise and shook her head, Never make a deal with a hag. Like devils, you simply don't.

Auntie Ethel continued, "How much do you think your Master would be willing to offer me to return his precious spawn, hmm? I say that this is a once in a century opportunity to have a vampire lord indentured to me."

Nyx's nails dug into her fisted hands, and she could feel her anger rising, but she refrained from interjecting.

Astarion snarled once more, "You seem to be forgetting that you failed. No offers for you."

"Oh, dearie", she chortled, and the dog's jaw rattled, "I've been savouring morsels like you long before you even first rose from your grave."

"Duplicitous wretch!", Astarion's twin daggers blurred and severed the cackling dog's head from its spine. It dropped to the ground, the laughing subsided along with the glow in its eyes, but not without the final parting words, 'I will see you again, dearie'.

Astarion was heaving with anger and frustration, gripping his daggers while he stared at the corpse. Nyx gave him a moment then she gently probed, "Astarion?"

He turned his head and said over his shoulder, "I'll find her and end her.", he turned to Nyx with dark predatory determination in his posture, "I'll need your help."

Nyx didn't reply and he started to scowl at her, but before he could speak, she replied with a raised hand, "We are going to need help from the others."

He lowered his head, "Why? I'm not interested in their help. This is no different to the night I asked your assistance with the phase spiders."

Nyx took a deep breath, steeling herself against his glower, "I want to help you Astarion, truly.", then she pointed at the dog, "But that thing is called a chain beast and if there is one, there is likely a death pack of them."

He tilted his head and she continued, "If this 'Auntie Ethel' is capable of taming such undead creatures, she is very powerful and very dangerous. I would be knowingly handing you over to her if I agree to help you alone in this, especially if we are to face her in her lair... If we can even find her lair.", she paused, "I am not going to let her take you."

He looked down thinking over her words. Then paced restlessly in circles, taking several breaths to speak but said nothing; his jaw moving multiple times. She waited patiently while he worked through it. She wanted to comfort him, but that would mean touching him and she didn't want to spook him again. But she didn't know what else to say either, so she simply kept her hands to herself.

He was staring at the corpse again with clenched fists then turned to her. Immense fatigue blanketed him, his features becoming drawn out and tired.

She gave him a small smile and suggested, "Let's make some distance between us and all of this", she gestured to the disturbing scene of gore, "Then I would like to take care of your injuries."

He nodded silently and she led him away from the overwhelming smell of decaying corpses.

---

He was sombre, following her mindlessly. She stopped at a log and gestured to him to take a seat. He did so in a haze, his injured arm held to his body.

She gathered up an immature barrel-stalk mushroom and deep morel. She sat astride the log perpendicular to him and prepared the mushrooms. She held the cup-shaped barrel-stalk in one hand, carefully creating a cross-incision on top of its billowy protruding centre. It released some air and the flaps of the cup curled backwards of their own accord revealing the clean water held within.

Astarion shifted and spoke to her of Cazador while she worked, "Cazador sired seven spawn. Me and my six brothers and sisters.", he enunciated with distaste, "He always insisted that we were a family."

Nyx glanced up, he was looking straight ahead and not at her. She listened while peeling the outer layer from the deep morel and squeezing any juice from it onto the ground next to her.

"Even when he was carving scars into our flesh."

Nyx paused for a moment, anger rising in her throat at his disclosure. She rinsed the morel in the barrel-stalks' water, activating its sponge like nature.

"I was one of his first, he was a monster to us all.", Astarion growled the line. He took a shuddering breath and met Nyx's eyes, "He did take special pleasure in my pain. He said my screams sounded sweetest." His voice became gravelly with emotion on the last line.

Nyx was clenching her teeth, and she stopped her preparations.

Astarion looked away again, "Now that I'm gone. I, don't know.", he paused looking down and took a deep breath, "I pity the other six."

Nyx took a deep breath of her own and asked evenly, "How long since", she didn't get to finish the question. He snapped his head to her and provided softly, "Two hundred years."

She couldn't even say it, "Two h-", and her eyes widened at his searching gaze. She placed her hand over her mouth appalled. She was trying to imagine two hundred years of torment.

Graces have mercy. That's more than three times my entire life span.

She couldn't even comprehend two hundred years of torment at her hands, the hands of Streeaka Valsharess'uh.

She blinked and her resolution hardened in her chest. She lowered her hand and said onto his hesitant expression, "We will find a way to put him back in the ground permanently. And I'll watch you dance on his unmarked grave."

A small soft smile touched Astarion's lips, and it reached his eyes. Nyx returned the smile and unfurled her hands in an upturned receiving gesture. He placed his arm in her care.

She proceeded to clean his wounds, using the morel as a sponge. She studied the bite marks, and he remarked with a curled lip, "The putrid mongrel somehow managed to sneak up on me unawares."

That's because chain beasts are creatures of the grave too, she refrained from saying that out loud.

"I have disinfectant that should work to prevent any infection.", she rummaged through her pack.

He was watching her with amusement, "My dear, how did you even find me?"

"You have Scratch to thank for that.", she smiled into her pack and Scratch barked from the shadows.

Scratch cantered over and lolled up at Astarion. Nyx added, "He led me to you."

He frowned severely and asked onto him, "Why dog?"

Scratch responded with a quizzical tilted head and a whine.

Nyx snorted and continued sterilizing the wounds, "Because we are part of his pack."

Astarion scoffed, "But I'm not even feeding him anymore."

Nyx rolled her eyes, "Pack members look after each other", she glanced up to him, "Besides, I'm helping you and I don't recall being fed."

"Hah!", he replied with his usual sly smile, "Well, darling, I'd like to think that is because of all my other charms."

He was trying to put on a show. She made a sound of agreement, "That is true, Bellinor."

He flashed his wicked grin then grimaced when she cleaned a deep puncture. She finished by healing his wounds magically. Running her finger lightly over his skin afterwards to ensure she didn't miss anything.

He moved to snatch her receding hand in his. Their eyes met and he raised her hand to his mouth, brushing his lips over her knuckles. She stroked the side of his mouth with the back of her forefingers, smiling. He lowered her hand, and she gave his a squeeze. He held her hand for a while longer, resting his arm on his leg and stroking her fingers with his thumb. He had a thoughtful expression, his eyes following the motion of his thumb. They sat in mutual comfortable silence for a moment.

Scratch huffed and sprinted off after something. Astarion shifted letting go of her hand and lulled next to her with a grin, "Thank you, my dear", he paused standing and said onto her, "As much as I would like to spend some more time with you, I need to take the edge off. My hunt was rather rudely interrupted."

Nyx nodded up at him and he sauntered away. She was uneasy about him returning to the Underdark so soon after being attacked, but the likelihood of another attack was low, regardless of her own paranoia. She quipped after him, "Do take care of yourself, otherwise I'm going to ask Karlach to assign Scratch as your personal bodyguard."

He chuckled wryly over his shoulder from the shadows, "I'll take it under advisement."

She greeted, "Good hunting."

---

The camp's clearing was in sight, but Nyx was unable to reach it. She had collapsed to her knees between the towering mushrooms. Her throat had closed up, her face was burning, and tears were streaming down her cheeks. She was chocking for breath, panic throttling her lungs. That deepest part of her had seized her. The part that believed she was in constant danger and that pursuers were waiting in ambush around every corner. It had finally overpowered her.

She had been fighting against it for the last few days. She had hoped it would not come to bare this time round.

They had allowed me to stay after all. Astarion too.

The pace of the past few days had helped to keep it at bay, but now the fear has come to collect its due. Inevitable, as the tide.

She was heaving on all fours when something wet touched her face. Scratch moved to nuzzled at her hands. Nyx sat back on her haunches and reached out to him. She clutched him in a hug, burying her face in his muddy fur that smelled of dirt and mushrooms. He happily panted in her arms.

She was frozen in an overwhelming flood of warring emotions and the black tendrils swarmed her awareness. She wanted to hide and flee at the same time, wanted to fight yet beg for leniency, scream in frustration yet succumb to hopelessness. The tadpole squirmed, lashing her with several memories of the previous drow attacks, the shades of the people she had lost and the self-loathing that came with it.

The black tendrils receded when she locked her attention on the tadpole. With a clear target, her anger rose. She grasped at the building fury. Taking deep breaths, she cast her anger into defiance and wilfully walled off the tadpole's onslaught then receded into her mind.

---

Sanika had taught her how to stow away some of her most traumatic memories; they were never forgotten, but their influence could be tempered. Her initial lessons were to use the memories to help Nyx understand how to counter Streeaka Valsharess'uh tactics. Nyx was walking down the corridors of her mental library, the shelves lined with bottles containing memories. All the things Streeaka Valsharess'uh had tried in order to break Nyx's mind, bend her to her will and ultimately to have her do her bidding. Nyx picked up one of the bottles and studied the dancing mist inside.

Streeaka Valsharess'uh had succeeded in breaking parts of me. Some have never recovered. Others remain twisted and malformed. Like a lizard's tail that has regrown. It’s not the same as before and it never will be.

Nyx recognized some of this in Astarion as well. There were parts of him twisted by what had been done to him, and like her, he tried to hide it.

We just hide it differently.

Then there were the parts of Astarion that embraced it. His darkness and violence. It was disturbing at times, but when faced with pursuers who have no boundaries; perhaps your own darkness becomes your only weapon against them.

Maybe I should start embracing mine too? Still, there are boundaries I will not cross. Not like her.

"Thy exists to oppose both, and to embody both."

She sighed and grasped the bottle tighter into her chest. She left the library to find the parasite.

She had banished the tadpole to one of these broken parts of her mind. Its shrouded prison came into view and the silhouette of a little girl became visible. Nyx stood in front of it, collecting her resolve. She waved her hand through the air and Nyala stood before her. Nyala opened her eyes, staring up at Nyx with a snarl.

Nyx decided to be reasonable first, and demanded evenly, "Stop interfering with my memories. Neither of us can afford for me to lose control."

Nyala set her jaw in determination and fisted her hands against her chest, "You'll lock me up anyway and I don't want to be locked up!"

"That is because this is my mind. It does not belong to you, neither is it for you to do what you please in here."

"You don't get to tell me what to do! I will have your mind and this body, either way. It makes little difference to me whether the Absolute gives it to me or when you die because you 'lost control'."

Then so be it.

Nyx regarded her coolly, swirling the bottle in her hand. She stated, "I brought you something, seeing as how you like to play with my memories."

Nyala's expression turned to confusion, and she watched with a frown while Nyx uncorked the bottle, its contents slowly drifting up to the rim.

Nyx took a step towards her and provided, "I'm not sure how much Drowic you know", she paused taking a deep breath, glancing at the bottle's contents, "Streeaka Valsharess'uh can be loosely translated to 'Matron of Madness'."

Realization seemed to dawn on Nyala, and she took a step backward shaking her head, raising her hands, "Wait! Don't."

Nyx cut her off and stated ominously, "I have so many memories of her, and I would like to share some of them with you."

She up-ended the bottle and its contents spilled onto the floor. Nyala wanted to run, but the sentient stalking darkness closed in around them, preventing her from doing so. The mist rose from the ground seeking, tasting the air. Nyala watched with horror when the memory floated towards her and engulfed her. Nyx turned to leave, ignoring Nyala's pleas to stop. Nyx choked back tears into her hand when it reminded her of her own, but she kept walking.

None of my pleas ever made a difference. Later, I simply didn't give her that satisfaction anymore.

Nyx sealed the section of her mind, drowning out the screams.

Footnote:

Chain Beast by Loic Muzy and DM Dev's Homebrews, and Dire badger concept art by Capcom (Roar of Cards) - i.e., 'Sweetpea' and 'Daffodil'.

More Underdark mushroom eye candy (In order: Mini Hub?, Raphael Lacoste)

You didn't think I'd forget about Auntie Ethel did you? And this is certainly not the last of her either...

Phew, these dark topics... oh my little black heart...